Last month, I talked about my struggle with body image and eating disorders, and spoke candidly about the realization that for most of my adult life I haven’t been happy with the way I look on the outside, no matter what the numbers were on the scale. This month’s “Weighing In”, has nothing to do with weight, but it all goes back to self-love.
I’ve spent the past year, for the most part, living out of three suitcases. In May 2012, I put in a 30-day notice at the town house I rented for the past seven years in Los Angeles, and just let go. I had no plan, other than to find a dream guest house in the Hollywood Hills for me and my kitty-cats.
Long story short, I didn’t find that guest house in 30 days, instead I had a huge yard-sale, said goodbye to many childhood possessions, put a small amount of things in a friends garage, and began what I affectionately termed and blogged about as #GypsyMode.
At first I rented a room in an apt with a friend for a month in West Hollywood, from there I spent 2 months on a friend’s couch in Sherman Oaks.  At that point, I was offered a 6 month tour managing gig in Philadelphia (my hometown), and headed east.  My car remained in Los Angeles, my youngest kitty moved in with a friend in Gardena, CA, and my oldest kitty got on the airplane with me.
The tour gig ended abruptly after 3 months, so from there I rented a room in Manhattan for 30 days and blogged about my Adventures In NY  I then spent a few weeks in Las Vegas, and a week in Atlantic City, New Jersey; working at tradeshows and conventions.
And from there, I went to Nashville, where I lived on an acre of land, and was a nanny for three boys ages 10, 5, and 3.  I truly wish I had done a Nashville blog similar to my NY blog as it was a magnificent month of spiritual growth.

That was my year in a nutshell, and in March of this year, just before Wonder Con, I returned to Los Angeles.  I had a pet-sitting job set up for 3 weeks and after that, I wasn’t sure what was next, but I knew that I was tired, and I wanted to unpack my suitcases, reunite my 2 kitties, drive my own car again, and for all intents and purposes be still for a while.
So here I am 2 months into LA, had a GREAT panel at Wonder Con, have had non-stop press for various activities and projects I’m involved with, have moved into a beautiful guest-room in a house in the Hollywood Hills, reunited with both kitty cats and my car, am working on two great film projects, and I’m still feeling like it’s not enough.
Wait? What?  A year ago, I sold all of my things and was basically “homeless” travelling like a gypsy, and now, I’m back in LA with all of the things I said I wanted, and it’s not enough?!

I went to my favorite Tuesday Yoga Class at Runyan Canyon this morning.  It’s beautiful, donation-based, every week, in the park.  Kamala & Siri from Fire Groove teach the class, and today’s focus was on really breathing love and gratitude into your life, into whatever place you are, whatever pose, however far you can or cannot reach. Be happy and grateful for where you are.
At the end of class, they invited us to pick a card from a deck they had spread on a yoga mat.  I don’t recall the name of the deck, but it was from the teachings of Esther & Abraham Hicks.  The card I chose said, “See What You Want To See.”
And it hit me… I’m looking at my life and I’m still seeing struggle and lack and loneliness.  Just like the me that looks at myself in the mirror and sees “fat” no matter what the scale says, I’m looking at my external world and seeing lack.

So as of today, I’m changing that viewpoint, because you know what?   I’m writing this blog from a gorgeous guest-room in the Hollywood Hills, it came fully furnished with the most comfortable bed I’ve ever slept on!  I have my own bathroom.  My two cats are healthy, happy, and laying on the bed next to me. My car is parked outside.  I’m working on two amazing film projects, with a cast and crew sure to make anyone take notice. I have food in the refrigerator, money in my bank account, and more jobs lined up.

I am in Los Angeles, making my dreams come true.  And I have family and friends that love and adore me. It’s true, we see what we want to see, and what we see becomes our reality.

I know this is all part of my journey to self-love, and I choose a new course today, the course I’m on is one of improvement each and every day, filled with gratitude and love for how far I’ve come, what I’ve accomplished, and the beauty and opportunity that presents itself to me (and you) every single day… all we have to do is SEE IT.

LIVE LOVE. LOVE LIFE.
XOXOX Leah 

However, the body image struggle has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, and long before I found myself in the most body-obsessed industry and city in the world. I’m not exactly sure what happened or what triggered it. I was a happy, fairly active child, participating in dance, gymnastics, cheerleading, and other sports.

When you look at the photo to the left, what do you see?   I see a little girl with a belly sticking out. And it was about this age, approx age 10, that that belly started to take center stage in my mind.  Truth be told, I was born with a tiny bit of scoliosis, nothing that could be fixed, but enough of an issue that it caused me to hunch over, be a tad lopsided, and thereby cause my stomach and butt area to stick out slightly.

Somewhere around age 12, I began to feel more and more self-conscious, and although I had been an avid swimmer and loved pools, lakes, ponds, and oceans, I started to shy away from wearing bathing suits, and by age 16, you’d be hard press to find me in anything that didn’t cover my stomach area.  

Now, I know as a logical human being that the child and teen in these photos is in no way, shape or form overweight, but that’s just it, when it comes to body image and eating disorders, there is no logic.  It wasn’t anything major, nothing that kept me from having a happy and social teenage life, as long as swimsuits weren’t involved, but some time in my college years, is when the over-eating really began to take shape.

I had always used food as a way to bond with family.  As a child, I would have competitions with my Pop-Pop to see who could eat more mashed potatoes or Chinese food (Pop-Pop a former Navy man, was fit and athletic, and the mashed potatoes didn’t show up on his hips or thighs.)  But by college, there was a drastic change.

My face had started to get rounder, and my frame larger, and next thing I knew, I was at Jenny Craig, weighing in at 186 pounds.   After joining Jenny Craig, my mom confessed to me that, she had to hold back the tears just a few weeks prior when we went dress shopping together and she saw me in the dressing room.   Isn’t it interesting how those that love us, have a hard time being truthful with us about something so important like our health and weight, yet we have no problems gossiping about celebrities and their weight?

Jenny Craig was successful for me.  I lost 62 pounds in 10 months, and was even featured in mainstream magazines like Marie Claire and Cosmopolitan.

Life was good. I was buying shorts, and borrowing clothes off my little sisters.  Things were great, my weight issues were gone.  Or were they?
Flash forward 10 years, and now I’m a working actress in Hollywood, California on the set of HBO’s Deadwood.   I had kept off most of the weight from Jenny Craig,bouncing around in about a 20pd radius.. but something went awry in my brain while working on Deadwood (a show, cast, and crew I ADORED!). I was introduced to the Master Cleanse. I did it for 40 days straight.  No food and nothing but the cleanse drink for 40 days. Looking back, I realize, although I was working on the show, and was hired for the way I looked, curves and all, the lead actresses on the show were much, much thinner. And I wanted to be a lead actress.

At the time I thought that girl was healthy.  I look at her now, and can see how tiny her face is, and how her neck and shoulder bones are protruding.  I had no idea how tiny I had gotten in just 30 days.  In fact, the wardrobe dept on Deadwood expressed their concern as they had to take my clothes in from a size 30 waist to a 23 waist.
That cleanse threw my body and mind out of whack and for the next few years, I was obsessed with cleanses and detoxes.  Gain 10 pounds. Do a cleanse. Gain. Repeat.  As an intelligent woman, I know this is not healthy for my body, my metabolism, or my digestive system. But I couldn’t stop.

About 3 yrs ago, I got it under control, and began using a nutritional program called Isagenix (www.selflove.isagenix.com).  These products made me feel healthy, helped me maintain my ideal weight (130pds at 5’6 ½), and were packed full of vitamins.  I was also in the midst of the busiest career year of my life, and working out regularly.  I felt GREAT.

And then… in 2010 I experienced a bout with emotional binge eating unlike anything I had ever experienced.  I found myself going to Starbucks ordering sugary drinks and breads 3-5x a day, AND going thru drive thrus 2-4x a time. I could NOT stop.

I remember thinking that I would like to choke and die on the French Fries as I shoveled them down my throat.  My head was saying… you’re not happy… eat… but you’re really not happy when you’re fat… oh well…keep eating.. .maybe you’ll choke.
In a matter of about 3 months, I put on 60 pounds.  And a few months later I put on another 20 pounds.  I hit an all-time high of 206 pounds.And here I sit. And have sat, since 2010.
In 2011, I took some time off from LA, and went back east.  I started seeing an acupuncturist and a spiritual healer. I used aromatherapy, and yoga to get my balance back.  I feel like the happy, normal, productive Leah again… yet the weight hasn’t come off.
And now, it is.   Because I am being open about this struggle, because I am talking about it, and involving groups of women at panels, and you here at Ms. In The Biz.  And because… I think, I am finally starting to love the little girl inside with the tiny belly that sticks out because of her scoliosis, and the woman who she’s become.
The other night, I was at a charity event, and I walked by this gorgeous mirror. I stopped. I looked at myself. And even though I knew I was tired and hadn’t had time to do my hair or makeup.  I looked at myself, and I paused, and I thought, “Wow. You are beautiful. I love you.”  And I was filled with emotion and love for the soul in the eyes looking back at me.

It’s a long journey back to self-love and recovery.  I am still struggling with binge eating, but I am doing much better, and I have all of you to thank for that. For holding space, for listening, for just being. I hope to keep you all updated on my progress.  *Live Love. Love Life* 
A body collage 2006-2012