There’s this transformation brewing in my soul. I don’t know exactly what it looks like, and that’s okay.
For 15 years now, I have lived on, what some may call, the “edge”. Or perhaps, to the beat of my own drum. For me, that has out-pictured as a gazillion and one, freelance gigs, gigs that make me happy, and allow me to have a completely in-flux, operative, organized, yet kinda wildly open schedule to pursue whatever creative whim catches my heart at the moment. I’ve had some pretty head-turning freelance gigs over the years; from touring the country with a dear friend as her assistant, (at the time she was an adult film star on a dance tour), to a 3 month stint with the US Census, countless rock and roll gigs, countless tradeshow gigs, and a few ‘can’t believe I did that’ gigs like the Yogurt Tour. (You’ll have to ask me about that in person.) And all of that’s in addition to my creative pursuits and career highlights, conventions, panel appearances, etc. etc. No one, friend or foe, would ever be able to call my life boring.
Why am I telling you all of this? I guess, to give you a feeling of the go-go-go, adventure after adventure lifestyle I’ve created for myself in Hollywood. And I feel like I’m at this cross-roads of sorts. There’s a part of me that wants the merry-go-round to slow down a little, touch the ground a little bit more (that’s the Taurus in me); and then there’s this other part of me that’s saying, no way, we’re just getting started, or maybe more like, you’ve come this far, just a little bit further!
There’s a lot of great stuff swirling around in my creative life right now. People, places, and projects coming to fruition, with teams of people that I am honored to work beside. It feels like there’s a big energy push in my life, back to what I love most, which is performing. Hosting, Acting, Voice Overs, even Modeling and Dance (though these days it’s Fire Dancing that has me wanting more).
The past few years saw me spend most of my time launching a crowdfunding business. A business, I never planned to launch, but just happened. It’s been very good to me. I’m not looking for a penthouse office, with a leather chair though. That’s never been my dream, except when I fantasized about being a journalist, for some reason in my fantasy, journalists usually have pretty stylin’ offices. I digress.
I have all of these creative pursuits in my heart and I feel a bit off-kilter. The left side of my brain has been working much longer hours than the right-side of my brain. It was a necessary evil. I didn’t have much of a choice but to grow and expand the crowdfunding side of things, as there has been a huge demand of my time in that area. I’m grateful. It’s allowed me to get my credit score back into the land of the living.
I think a lot of creatives can relate to the feeling of …. “Maybe I’m not really good enough to be a real (fill in the blank-actress, musician, writer, painter..) “ , and for me, I found myself asking if I was meant to be a well-known actress/host/author wouldn’t it already be that way? As if there was a timeframe on one’s dream.
Last night, I spent time with a childhood friend I hadn’t seen in 30 years. 30 years. That’s a long time. Our parents were good friends and our Dads were co-workers back in the 70s. We haven’t seen each other since approx. 1984. And this woman, who I haven’t seen since we were girls, told me that she wasn’t surprised when she found out I lived in Hollywood as an actress. She said, that’s how she remembered me. Always performing. Singing. Dancing. And her older sister chimed in and said she remembered I’d choreograph and produce routines for us to perform for our parents. Now, I remember doing that with my four younger siblings, (it’s actually in my imdb bio), but I didn’t realize I had choreographed the family friend’s kids as well. A gentle nudge from the universe, reminding me that I have always been a performer. And yet, there’s another part of me, that longs to throw it all to the wind, and get completely off the grid. Some other country, some other lifestyle, some other mission. Start a non-profit, an organization, some bigger purpose all together.
Like I said, it’s as if I’m at a crossroads, the winds of change are blowing, and I’ve always lived my life like Mary Poppins would say, “wherever the wind takes me.” It’s not easy to stay present and focused in the winds of change. A lot of emotions can come up, a lot of life reviews, and possibly self-doubt and negative talk, if you haven’t built that muscle up yet. I’m doing my best to not judge my thoughts or feelings. To realize and honor, that I’ve got a lot going for me, my life is pretty dang awesome, and filled with the adventuresome, spontaneous moments that I love so much.
I may not know what’s around the bend, or even what this next chapter looks like in my life; and that’s okay. All that matters is that I am here.
What tips and tricks do you use to keep yourself centered amidst change? Have you ever felt pulled in different directions or experienced something similar to this? I’d love to hear more about your journey with this in the comments section below.